Even though nobody asked for let’s get through Sanna’s life update. I skipped journaling in July and almost the whole of August. Not because I was too busy or buried in work… though yes, I did spend plenty of time updating my other website, but simply because… nothing major happened.
Summer slipped away in a blur of heat, humidity, and a whole lot of mental ups and downs. I didn’t journal much, I didn’t post much, and this life update isn’t glamorous. It’s just me here, life-ing the best I could. But now that the seasons are shifting, I’m more than ready to say it out loud: Sorry, Summer, I’m ready for Fall.
Give me cozy nights, cooler weather, and a little peace of mind, please and thank you. This is my honest life update—book news, garden flops, family shifts, hormones (ugh), and everything in between.
Writing Life Update: I Wrote a Book
Yep. I finished my book. I wrote that sucker, and I’m ridiculously proud of myself.
Is it perfect? Absolutely not. Some editor out there might roll their eyes and call it trash, while others might fall in love with it. But here’s the thing, it’s mine. My words. My dream. And a story finally living outside my head.
It took almost two years, written on and off. Sometimes I abandoned it for months because self-doubt whispered in my ear (ugh, the worst enemy). And then I’d pick it up again, imagining what it would be like to actually publish. Well, here I am, the book needs a real good polishing, and a few trusted people are reading it. Terrifying? Yes. Exciting? Also yes.
Am I going to publish it? I don’t know! I really don’t. I might!
Garden Life Update: Womp-Womp
My garden? A total flop.
I worked so hard, and the only real harvest I got was a bowl of tomatoes. Hornworms moved in, destroying about 80% of the crop, and aside from basil, nothing else survived. It started out looking so promising, too. But nope… it was an epic fail.
Still, I’m not giving up. Next year, I’ll be ready for round two.
Summer Mood: Heat Makes Me a Bit Lost
This summer hit me harder than I expected. The humidity didn’t help, and somewhere along the way, I lost all motivation. Not depressed, just… blah. Some days, I felt like a useless sack of couch potatoes, only wanting to read books and binge-watch TV; Hello, Peaky Blinders on season 3 already, and I read 15 books in two months.
I didn’t even want to cook… though I had no choice with a house full of people who love my homemade food. Seeing them devour everything I made brought me joy, even when I didn’t feel like being in the kitchen.
I didn’t want to walk, garden for too long, or spend time outside either. I tried to care for my plants and ground myself, but I just can’t handle the heat. I just can’t! I made it to the pool twice, and loved it, but honestly? I was too lazy to even shave my legs most days. I know, TMI… But hey, that’s the truth.
Cold showers at night became my saving grace. They calmed my nerves and gave me a tiny bit of peace when the heaviness of the day set in.
And honestly? I think that negative loop in my head drained me more than anything else.
Family Shifts, Perimenopause, and Honest Exhaustion
Part of it is life-changing. My youngest started college. My middle one found a job but is still always near me… and while I know I should nudge her toward independence, I secretly LOOOVE this attention she is giving me. And my oldest? He’s been engaged for a year now. I know he cares about me deeply, but sometimes it feels like he’s already halfway gone. Physically here, but mentally? He’s fully married and ready to get his own house. Which makes me happy, truly… but that thought sits heavy, like a seed I can’t quite shake. My babies aren’t babies anymore.
I’ve always been close to my kids, so now I find myself crying over the tiniest memories. Like when they were little, begging for McDonald’s just so they could run wild in the indoor playground, while I sat snapping a million pictures. God, where did the time go? One memory pops up and—bam—instant waterfall. Damn hormones!
I’m not officially an empty nester, at least not yet, but it sure feels like my kids are too grown to “baby” anymore. And even though I’m not afraid of aging, I can’t help but wonder: am I stuck in this cycle where one day I feel amazing, and the next I spiral into self-doubt… questioning everything and everyone?
And then I miss my life before when kids were little, when I was young and cheerful.
Oh, let’s be real, perimenopause and flare-ups from chronic inflammation are NOT helping. Constant weight gain no matter how much I work out, even when I don’t feel like it, trying to cut carbs, ditch dairy, drink more water, sleep more, stay positive, smile more, not snap at every little thing, and give myself grace when life isn’t golden or peachy… It’s exhausting. To be perfectly honest, I am exhausted.
Sometimes I wonder how my husband hasn’t run away yet. Twenty-five years of marriage and I half-expect him to say, “I’m done, I’m tired of your shit.” And the strangest thing? I’d almost understand it. I wouldn’t even blame him… because truthfully, sometimes I’m tired of myself. But you can run away from your own skin.
Geez. This all sounds like something I should unpack in therapy… if I had one. But hey, sometimes sharing it here is therapy enough, right?
The Online World Burnout
And maybe this is why I pulled back. I’m tired. Tired of fake smiles and fake connections, off and online. Everyone’s a “writer, photographer, poet, chef, dancer”… chasing their five minutes of fame. Me? I can’t… and won’t kiss a$$ or shake my a$$ for attention. Maybe that’s why I’m not some huge success story. But honestly? I’d rather be real than fake. You can love me, accept me the way I am, or just walk away.
Out of the thousands of people who’ve passed through my 15 years of blogging life, maybe a handful stuck around. Out of that handful, maybe two I’d actually call friends. The lack of real support? Yeah, I notice it. But I pretend not to. Still, when you’ve always been the supportive one and you don’t get that same energy back, it stings.
Call it trust issues if you want, I call it being self-aware. I could write a book on the knowledge I’ve gathered over the years. And yes, there were vultures who used me just to get information, who took everything I gave freely, because I’m a nice person, and then spat me out while they thrived. No, I’m not jealous even if it seems like it; most of them have temporary fame, bought followers, and shiny numbers. I don’t even sweat it. But still… it sucks sometimes that I can’t be that person, too.
Let’s wrap it up… I am ready to say goodbye to summer; you were messy, exhausting, and emotional, so bye-bye. And, yes, I’m so ready for fall; for cozy nights, cooler air, a little more balance, and maybe a little less spiraling. Sweater Weather here I come!!!
This was my summer life update… even though technically there’s still nearly a whole month of summer left. But for me, the minute September hits the calendar, I’m back in plaid, boots on my feet, and sipping my hot matcha latte, because I’ve never been a pumpkin spice latte girl.
Hugs,
S A N N A
All my Journal ramblings are HERE.
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Posts you might like to read:
Unapologetically Me — When the Friendship Fades
- When the Friendship Fades: Finding Peace in GOODBYE! I’ve always been the kind of person—even as a kid—who hesitated to speak up, afraid of offending someone.
Becoming Enough: The Work of Self-Healing
- I’ve asked myself countless times… what does not good enough even mean? Why do I feel this way before I’ve even started something, as if I’m already bracing for disappointment? Why do I push myself so hard? So many questions, right?
